Monday, March 15, 2010

... or get off the pot

My last blog was fast, a little funny and oh so long ago. This one, well I cut my finger nails.

October;
With a week off for fall break and two birthdays coming we hit the road. We found a chicken sitter, loaded the fly boat and headed out for a five day tour.
The seven of us headed out with smiles on our faces, sunscreen and Birthday presents packed and a secret in our eyes, I was in week 6 of this pregnancy and all looked good so we were off.
After 8 or 12 hours in the car(after hour two I give up) we arrived at our first destination: Zions National Park for two days of hiking, whining and aching.
The beauty of Zions cannot be described, the size of the mountains and the act of looking up at the grandeur is to me more exhilarating than looking down into the Grand Canyon. The fall air was tart with the changing season and frosty mornings with late afternoon dust all mixed in, we felt alive and blessed to be there. We as a family relaxed and left all our yesterdays elsewhere. High on those beautiful mountains we were Gods.

Well until the next morning, and we were reminded that we were human, with aches, sunburn and bodies stiff from not sleeping in our own beds, and oh the nausea. So back in the fly boat.

Off yet again on our drive, back into Arizona, across the Great Rez, and once again into Utah. This time to spend a few relaxing days with Grandpa and Grandma Great in Blanding.
Navajo Tacos, Birthday Pumpkin pies, and cousins to play with. Precious dollars spent at the Dollar Store, a baby pig to love on and a horse loving goat to hide from. We visited, we ate and secrets were spilt, and lots of flannel was left to be turned into beautiful hemstitched receiving blankets for our newest now not so secret.

We returned home with Halloween costumes finished, and pictures to be down loaded just in time to start back to school and the first of the many Dr's. appointments that I would have.

November;
That appointment, well it didn't go so good, everything looked good but no heartbeat. The Dr. was calm, decides that dates are off, she will look at the pictures and call later.
See you in two weeks, ya and that appointment goes even worse; again everything looks great but STILL no heartbeat, but don't worry to much some babies are a little slow, lets not give up yet.
Two weeks later we give up, ultrasound now shows failure yet again but this time it hurts more, our third loss will be double.
Thanksgiving is coming and in an effort to avoid a D&C medication is taken, it works, it sadly mimics early labor your waters break, you feel pain and your heart and arms are still empty but now so is your body.

Our Holiday passes in a haze of normal, turkey and all the trimmings.
I taste nothing.

December;
Its time to go on, I have 5 wonderful children that deserve better, they deserve a mother that will listen to their stories again, one that laughs and bakes Christmas cookies with them. I will now only cry when they are asleep.

Sunday the bleeding starts again, heavy this time with clots that are the size of large citrus fruits. Mike is here with the kids I can do this on my own. The Dr. says its normal after the meds you took, but he is not my Dr. he doesn't know my bleeding history, but I can do this, I've done it twice before.
Monday the bleeding is still here, I am tired, I am sore, I fall. The Dr. says take it easy, this is not the time to prove you are super woman, I want my Dr.
Tuesday, I am scared. I sit down with Braxton.
I try to explain.
I make two phone calls and give my 11 old the coveted extra cell phone.
He knows.
You can hear the sirens coming for miles I try to make light of it, to tell them that its just because I can't drive myself right now, but I see the fear the panic in his eyes and as they turn the lights back on and quickly pull out of the drive I see him bent over heaving with fear.
I close my eyes, the tears fall and they are not asleep.

Thankfully they wait until we hit pavement to start the iv's and they cover me in warmth and allow me to finally fall into that darkness.
Soon hands are grabbing me, my clothing removed, gasps heard, monitors start beeping and tubes put in.
My stats are low.
Fluids are allowed to run in to my arm unchecked, my left arm is now swollen and cold, I cannot remember ever being this cold.
Hours go by, I call check on my kids talk to Mike he will be there soon, but others are hurt, he is flying, I am not hurt, I cry.
Procedures are done, my body is now truly empty.
These pills will make the pain go away.
They don't.

I must interrupt my pity party and morn the loss of a precious little girl, she is so loved and missed. I feel anger, not at God for taking her to soon from her family, but anger for the fact that her family held her for five years. I know it will be years before I hold mine that are lost.

Plans had been made, we leave for Christmas, its good I don't think I could decorate a tree of our own this year. I will let my children borrow this holiday from extended family, I will float it out, just this once.
I just can't bring myself to care.
I smile, I laugh, I still cry when they are asleep.

January;
New Years takes us yet farther down the road, but now for me closer to home.
My Grandparents are old I see it now, the last month has taken something from us all.
My Grandmother to me looks and acts better, we talk, we cry, she knows.
My Grandfather scares me, he falters, he the one who has always been so strong leans on us now, but we are strong, they raised us that way.
We are family, we are loved and safe together, we can do this.
We have done it before.

My life goes on, well life does anyway, we are not normal, we never claimed to be. We have a new normal, its a little sad, but I can laugh now in my tears. There are dates on the calender that we will never meet, but there are many more that we rush excitedly to, birthdays are happy here, giggling as a sport is back. The kids and I dance again in the kitchen.

I don't know if we will try again, only 3% of women suffer three consecutive miscarriages. There are no statistics after that, I don't know if they give up or if they finally carry to term.
I am part of a club that nobody wants to be in, but I am not alone.
Twenty five viles of blood and many tests have found nothing physically wrong with me. I have my suspicions but they will never be proven.
Myself, I would like to try again, Mike, well he is scared, but of what he doesn't say. I don't know if it is for me, the thought of him being left to raise our kids alone should I bleed again and they not get it under control or the thought that if we loose anymore he will be driving a polygamy van around the Celestial Kingdom, I just don't know.
That flannel was returned and the circle continues, warm blankets I now crotchet for other babies to be wrapped in.

Me I still cry only when they are all asleep and I can live with that.

2 comments:

The Brooks Family said...

wow. even though I already knew all this is still makes me cry for you. I'm glad to read/hear/see you're doing a little better.

Mag Family said...

I cry for you also. I know how much you want another baby. Maybe someone else needs them more. I'm thinking of you, hoping you are well. We had fun spending time with you and the kids. You have such a beautiful family.