We're back in the saddle again!

I have sat here so many times the over the past 12 months, I have had so much to share. I have started this post several times, today I follow thru.

This past year has brought so much change; Shortly after my last post I discovered that yet again I was expecting, I was scared, I cried myself to sleep every night for 2 weeks. The morning of the first ultrasound I shook. The technician held my hand, she smiled and asked how many children I had at home, I knew then that this baby was gone just like the others before. I was wrong she laughed and showed me TWO tiny hearts beating away, they were perfect, they still are on December 27 2010, we welcomed the final touches to our family. At 10:44 and 10:45 pm Finn Madden and Emerson Maxine Brinkworth entered this crazy mixed up world. Finn came in at 6lbs5 and Emerson was 6lbs11 with both being 20 inches, they have more than healed a broken heart.

What else has happened to us, well.................We got sunburned playing in the pool all summer, baseball was played until we could no longer see the day and we ate snow cones until we became sick, baby chicks hatched in our hands and we saw life close up.

We chased sleep away as we laid under the stars and giggled over nothing and sang songs nobody else had ever sang. Camp fires smoldered and marshmallows burnt as we looked at each other and smiled the smiles that only those like us can share.

School started and the days became shorter, the winds again turned cold as the leaves fell and crunched under our feet.

We met family that before we had only heard about. We visited, we ate. And then we visited some more.

I reluctantly said goodbye to my Grandmother, we both knew it, and we held it off for as long as possible. We held hands and she let go first, she said without speaking that she knew, and that it was all right for me to walk away.

Braxton turned 12 and now smiles at us slightly every Sunday as he proudly walks the chapel in his white shirt and passes us the Sacrament. He is now also the proud owner of his first gun a .22, it took him 2 months to decide on the model.

Carsten is now 10, it seems like it was just days ago that I held him for the first time. He is still the little blue eyed boy that stole my heart.

The Holidays came in a blur, Thanksgiving was fast and easy. I was too big and uncomfortable to cook much in the way of a "traditional" dinner, I remember a turkey.

It seemed fitting that this year as we celebrated the birth of our Savior we oh so impatiently waited for the births of our babes. We made 2 failed trips to the hospital before "the day" and then it went so fast, my liver was failing, I felt awful and now looking back at pictures I looked worse. Our "perfect ending" and "happily ever after" came quickly via emergency c-section on what became a very snowy night.

My Grandma died.

There I said it, she suffered a massive stroke and in the early hours of morning, when the colors of night change and the shadows hold secrets, she passed silently through the veil. On the day that my tiny innocent babes, that only months before she had felt fighting for space inside of my body reached their first month of life she let hers go.

Mike took a long needed break from "the park" the stresses of long days that were only broken up with tragedy was taking a toll on him. He spent time with us, gave the new pilots the training they would need for the windy days at "The Big Ditch" and played modern day cowboy herding deer with a helicopter with the Game and Fish.

Our first miracle baby turned 4, he is such a wonder. I shudder still when I think back to the day he arrived and was quickly taken away. Only my memory of that day shows scars.

It's Spring again, the winds are back with a vengeance that only we here can understand. Tiny balls of fur are beginning to venture out of burrows and small calves, their belly buttons still unhealed are wobbling and wandering beside their proud mothers.

Ardynn turned 9, the baby sister that was so proudly announced to the world by a loving older brother as Mardynn Argeret is now a whirl wind of life.

We have faced the illnesses of children, known ones and some just met that strike fear with their mystery. But we face them with hands clasped and prayers in our hearts and on our lips.

Kallison turns 7 in just eight short days. How she brightens our lives. She is so innocent and is ever the easy going one.

Our lives continue, the days go fast and are filled with so much sound and color, it amazes me the way it all melds into the life we call ours, mixed up, turned sideways and some days are even backwards, but there ours and we love them............

Ya we're back and we are here to stay!

... or get off the pot

My last blog was fast, a little funny and oh so long ago. This one, well I cut my finger nails.

October;

With a week off for fall break and two birthdays coming we hit the road. We found a chicken sitter, loaded the fly boat and headed out for a five day tour.

The seven of us headed out with smiles on our faces, sunscreen and Birthday presents packed and a secret in our eyes, I was in week 6 of this pregnancy and all looked good so we were off.

After 8 or 12 hours in the car(after hour two I give up) we arrived at our first destination: Zions National Park for two days of hiking, whining and aching.

The beauty of Zions cannot be described, the size of the mountains and the act of looking up at the grandeur is to me more exhilarating than looking down into the Grand Canyon. The fall air was tart with the changing season and frosty mornings with late afternoon dust all mixed in, we felt alive and blessed to be there. We as a family relaxed and left all our yesterdays elsewhere. High on those beautiful mountains we were Gods.

Well until the next morning, and we were reminded that we were human, with aches, sunburn and bodies stiff from not sleeping in our own beds, and oh the nausea. So back in the fly boat.

Off yet again on our drive, back into Arizona, across the Great Rez, and once again into Utah. This time to spend a few relaxing days with Grandpa and Grandma Great in Blanding.

Navajo Tacos, Birthday Pumpkin pies, and cousins to play with. Precious dollars spent at the Dollar Store, a baby pig to love on and a horse loving goat to hide from. We visited, we ate and secrets were spilt, and lots of flannel was left to be turned into beautiful hemstitched receiving blankets for our newest now not so secret.

We returned home with Halloween costumes finished, and pictures to be down loaded just in time to start back to school and the first of the many Dr's. appointments that I would have.

November;

That appointment, well it didn't go so good, everything looked good but no heartbeat. The Dr. was calm, decides that dates are off, she will look at the pictures and call later.

See you in two weeks, ya and that appointment goes even worse; again everything looks great but STILL no heartbeat, but don't worry to much some babies are a little slow, lets not give up yet.

Two weeks later we give up, ultrasound now shows failure yet again but this time it hurts more, our third loss will be double.

Thanksgiving is coming and in an effort to avoid a D&C medication is taken, it works, it sadly mimics early labor your waters break, you feel pain and your heart and arms are still empty but now so is your body.

Our Holiday passes in a haze of normal, turkey and all the trimmings.

I taste nothing.

December;

Its time to go on, I have 5 wonderful children that deserve better, they deserve a mother that will listen to their stories again, one that laughs and bakes Christmas cookies with them. I will now only cry when they are asleep.

Sunday the bleeding starts again, heavy this time with clots that are the size of large citrus fruits. Mike is here with the kids I can do this on my own. The Dr. says its normal after the meds you took, but he is not my Dr. he doesn't know my bleeding history, but I can do this, I've done it twice before.

Monday the bleeding is still here, I am tired, I am sore, I fall. The Dr. says take it easy, this is not the time to prove you are super woman, I want my Dr.

Tuesday, I am scared. I sit down with Braxton.

I try to explain.

I make two phone calls and give my 11 old the coveted extra cell phone.

He knows.

You can hear the sirens coming for miles I try to make light of it, to tell them that its just because I can't drive myself right now, but I see the fear the panic in his eyes and as they turn the lights back on and quickly pull out of the drive I see him bent over heaving with fear.

I close my eyes, the tears fall and they are not asleep.

Thankfully they wait until we hit pavement to start the iv's and they cover me in warmth and allow me to finally fall into that darkness.

Soon hands are grabbing me, my clothing removed, gasps heard, monitors start beeping and tubes put in.

My stats are low.

Fluids are allowed to run in to my arm unchecked, my left arm is now swollen and cold, I cannot remember ever being this cold.

Hours go by, I call check on my kids talk to Mike he will be there soon, but others are hurt, he is flying, I am not hurt, I cry.

Procedures are done, my body is now truly empty.

These pills will make the pain go away.

They don't.

I must interrupt my pity party and morn the loss of a precious little girl, she is so loved and missed. I feel anger, not at God for taking her to soon from her family, but anger for the fact that her family held her for five years. I know it will be years before I hold mine that are lost.

Plans had been made, we leave for Christmas, its good I don't think I could decorate a tree of our own this year. I will let my children borrow this holiday from extended family, I will float it out, just this once.

I just can't bring myself to care.

I smile, I laugh, I still cry when they are asleep.

January;

New Years takes us yet farther down the road, but now for me closer to home.

My Grandparents are old I see it now, the last month has taken something from us all.

My Grandmother to me looks and acts better, we talk, we cry, she knows.

My Grandfather scares me, he falters, he the one who has always been so strong leans on us now, but we are strong, they raised us that way.

We are family, we are loved and safe together, we can do this.

We have done it before.

My life goes on, well life does anyway, we are not normal, we never claimed to be. We have a new normal, its a little sad, but I can laugh now in my tears. There are dates on the calender that we will never meet, but there are many more that we rush excitedly to, birthdays are happy here, giggling as a sport is back. The kids and I dance again in the kitchen.

I don't know if we will try again, only 3% of women suffer three consecutive miscarriages. There are no statistics after that, I don't know if they give up or if they finally carry to term.

I am part of a club that nobody wants to be in, but I am not alone.

Twenty five viles of blood and many tests have found nothing physically wrong with me. I have my suspicions but they will never be proven.

Myself, I would like to try again, Mike, well he is scared, but of what he doesn't say. I don't know if it is for me, the thought of him being left to raise our kids alone should I bleed again and they not get it under control or the thought that if we loose anymore he will be driving a polygamy van around the Celestial Kingdom, I just don't know.

That flannel was returned and the circle continues, warm blankets I now crotchet for other babies to be wrapped in.

Me I still cry only when they are all asleep and I can live with that.

Excuses, excuses, excuses.

In our defence.

We became reptile rescuers,

Have survived the swine flu,

Played with fire,

congratulated those that fought fire,

and have excelled at chicken farming.

The price of the party

Yeah, for me yesterday was my birthday and as you all know I like to spend the money, sooo this year Carsten helped spread a little of the wealth around.

After missing a great offer of a birthday lunch with a friend because Carsten came home sick with a upset stomach and head ache. I left him home resting on the couch while Dawson snoozed on the other couch, and ran to "Happy hell" to mail off a package of favorite sister/daughter/grand daughter wonderful just in time for the elk hunt cookies.

Well while I was in town I picked up the other three wonder pets, and some tummy bug supplies and raced the fly boat back to the chicken ranchette.

"I love the whole world and all its craziness boomdeadda boomdeadda...."

Me; Hello,

Carsten; MOM I SWALLOWED A PENNY AND ITS STUCK AHHH AHHH!!!!!

Me; okay sweetie I am at the mail boxes and will be there in a minute, can you breathe alright?

Carsten; AAAAHHHHH,


The mom runs into the house to find very upset wonder pet holding his throat with big blue eyes wider than ever. Breathing fine, talking fine, alright lets go spend that birthday money. Off to the clinic.


Ring, ring

"Hello Williams Health Care Center this is Nancy,"

"Hey Nancy it's Dusty is urgent care busy?"

"No, why,"

"Ahh, Carsten swallowed a penny and is complaining that it is stuck."

"OKAY, we will be ready for him bring him straight back to x-ray, see you soon."




And this is what the x-ray showed.
Lincoln going down head first.

"Hi are you the mom?"

"Umm yeah Dr. Poulstein I am."(my hell do people randomly bring in stray kids?)

"Okay well he needs that out."

"No sh*t,"

"We are sending him to flag."

"Okay,"

"By ambulance."

"Barbara say what?"

"Yeah I don't like the look of that, if it moves the wrong way its headed to the lungs."



Yah, that's an I.V. port and a gurney,



Bears looking a little scared in his new ride,



"Room four" of the emergency department at Flagstaff Medical Center, where we will spend the next four hours.

After three sets of x-rays, two sets of meds in the port, 50 jumping jacks(really) and endless laughter and spare change jokes the decision was made, 88 more cents and we could make a taco bell run and Carsten was heading off to the O.R. for a little penny fishing.



Poor boy awoke, proved he could eat a Popsicle and was released just in time to go home to bed, a little wiser and a little poorer.

Carsten is doing fine today enjoying a day on the couch eating ice cream, Popsicles and yogurt.

Price;
clinic; 25.00
E.R.; 150.00
Taco Bell run; 4.56



Eggs for sale; 2.50 a doz.

Cause its my Birthday

Dear year 35,

Welcome to my life. I hope that you have plans for us because I sure do.

Lets lose 30 pounds, and spend more time on ourselves. Lets not feel guilty about having our nails done. What we have never done this, well maybe we should.

How about we buy a few clothing items not on the clearance sale racks. And maybe buy shoes other than "flip flops".

We'll spend more time on our hair and finally figure out that make-up thing. While we are thinking about it lets remember to take a little bit more time on skin care, and remember lotion and sunscreen every day.

I think we should spend more time focusing on our marriage with thoughts to the future when we have more time without kids. Maybe figure out a career path, and go back to school, that toddler is growing up fast. Ooh how about a little more patience with those curious kids, and remember all those questions have answers.

Hey 35 lets slow down and enjoy ourselves we're not racing anyone.

Oh, and 34 you can go to HELL.

Happy Birthday Harold

Happy Birthday Mike,

Last year I had to come up with 40 facts about you,

This year just a thank you.

Happy Birthday and thanks for loving this crazy chicken farmer with all those kids and pets.

I love you.

Love Betty.

What came first

The chicken,

it took 19 weeks and two days for the egg.

Good Bye Summer, Good Bye

Schools back in session here in the hundred acre woods.

and while we must now get to bed early and wake even earlier,

we are still having fun.

Summer recap,

Popsicles= approximately 20 boxes, and four bags.

pop corn= 14 bowls,

ice cream= about 8 gallons(we are Simper descendants after all)

sunburns=10 at least

baseball games= 14

games won= 12

nights spent in our own beds= 1

nights spent on the trampoline=10

night we never went to sleep=2(mom says it feels like more)

movies watched at the theater= 2

classic movies rediscovered= way to many to count,

tubs of "fart noise"=5

giggles from "farts"= lets not go there,

trips for ice cream cones= 8

drives to see the wildlife=5

times we saw wildlife=1,

what we saw when we got home= elk, deer.

baths and showers missed= way to many

mornings we slept in= none, mom says it is impossible for us to sleep pass 6:30

school shopping trips= 4

pairs of flip-flops the freezer "ate"=3,

pairs of school shoes bought= 6

kids attending school= 4

lunches packed= 5.

days our dad has been gone= 6

nights the cats have slept in the house= 6(do you see a pattern?)

number of eggs gathered= 0

school days left before summer break=179

memories= countless.

The "Olden Days"

Remember sitting on your grandparents couch and watching the old shows with them?

You remember Lawrence Welk and how he would introduce some ancient Big Band and your grandparents would get that look on their faces and their eyes would mist over, and you would roll your eyes.

And after the infomercial was developed they would sit and watch the Time Life music sales and you would laugh because it reminded you that they were so stinking old and that you would never sit on the couch and sway along to the music and think about the good old days.

Ever.

Well we all get old, and all our memories get better.
Just like a fine wine,
or the picture on your drivers license.

And the music we would not have been caught dead listening to, say twenty years ago because you would never have been caught listening to stoner music because you can't be a stoner and wear long sleeved buttoned-up clear to your throat shirts with dry clean only pants and like those heavy metal bands. Right.

Remember that?

Well last night after watching the Antiques Roadshow, Mike pried the remote out of my hands and started channel surfing. He landed somewhere up in the boring cable channels, they were playing an old old 80's rock song.

We froze, we got "that look" on or faces, our eyes glazed over, and we both started swaying and singing along.

Yup it was a Time Life infomercial.

Our children were on their best behavior and they just sat there with "that look" on their faces, and carefully whispered between themselves.
And gave us the look.
Then they started singing along.
Turns out we had given birth to closet stoners.

We watched the whole infomercial, sang, laughed, and "Oh My Goshed" for the entire half hour.

And then beat it over to the computer and looked up the Time Life website. Just to look you know, we would never buy something like that.
Wow, five easy payment of 29.99. OMG my wistful memories are not that priceless(or maybe I am not that old after all).

I Ordered it off Ebay instead.
Got the entire boxed set for 50.00.
Plus 3.00 shipping and handling, of course,
because I am "hip and trendy" defiantly not an "old rocker".

So let me know if you would like me to burn you a copy.

Saige and Nate are getting a baby, unless we steal him!

Most all of you know that Saige and Nate(my little sister and great bro. in law) have now been happily married for several years and have been patiently waiting for the phone to ring.......

Well come August a precious baby boy will born to them.
I will let them announce his name and all the other great details upon his delivery, but they have graciously agreed to let me announce his pending delivery and wondrous adoption.

Saige and Nate are very excited and a bit apprehensive.
When you carry a child you worry until birth about their health, size and who they will look like.
When you adopt you also add the worry that the birth parent(s) will change their minds.

When you give birth to a child you are required to provide a car seat for the drive home.
When you adopt, you are finger printed, your background is searched, your house and bank account is scrutinized, and every detail of you life is on display for not only the birth parent(s) but their lawyer, your lawyer, the social workers, and the court who ultimately makes the decision if you truly get to keep this child that you have fallen hopelessly in love with.

Getting pregnant and giving birth is relatively easy.
Adopting can take years of struggle and heartbreak.

This little boy is so loved and wanted.


So, since most of us have never gone through this process I thought I would help out by answering a few questions for you. Because as my friends and family I would really hate for you to look stupid.

1, So how much does it cost?
a lot, so unless you want to donate, just remember that all babies are priceless.

2, How can you love a child that you did not give birth to?
Never question God, also I did not give birth to your children but I would still step out in front of a moving bus to save them, love knows no boundaries.

3, How will you discuss adoption with your child?
That is up to the family, but yes this precious child will be of mixed decent so he will always know that he was loved by so many that wanted the best for him.

4, Is this baby off the black market?(really a question that was asked)
No it is all legal. But if you have info on black market adoption please alert the proper authorities.

5, Are you willing to adopt more?
Yes we, okay they really want more.

6, Can we give a baby shower?
Hell yes, do you know how much this is costing, they are also not afraid of hand-me-downs.

7, Can we come and love on this baby when you get him home?
Again hell yes, but remember kiss the toes not the nose.

Saige and Nate know what they are doing and we are all in love with this little miracle, we as a family are humbled by both their dedication to have an eternal family, and the amazing love shown by a wonderful birth mother willing to give the most precious gift a family can receive.